i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
