I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
