Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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