I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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