I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my being single is dangerous.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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