those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
