i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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