I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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