If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
