Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
