First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
