I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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