I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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