I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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