I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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