4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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