Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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