There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
