I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
