can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
