I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
