My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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