You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
