I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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