I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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