He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
