why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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