If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
