I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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