I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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