Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
