Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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