I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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