Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
