Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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