Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
