Sponge bath it is.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
