My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
