white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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