He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
God I need to hump something, right now.
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