I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
