I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
