my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
