I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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