you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
