i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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