Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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