Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
