omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
