I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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