I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
