So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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