gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
