Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
